I Have It, I Might As Well Use It...

Okay, so I'm not used to this blogging thing yet. Most of my pointless rambling is vented on message boards. But, since I have it, I might as well use it. I'm sure the board regulars would be just as glad if I had another place to rant, ramble, and rage.

I'm still in the middle of an unemployment crisis - as in, I'm unemployed, and it's becoming something of a crisis. Ever since the Universe nearly had to kill me to convince me that, no, I wasn't going to be a Medical Transcriptionist even though I'd sank my savings into the course and equipment, I've been waiting for some hint as to what the Universe thinks I ought to be doing instead. Sadly, the Universe's No's are much easier to spot than its Yes's. The voices in my head are, as usual, divided as to what to do about this. One camp insists that I should march right down to Target, fill out an application, bury whatever half-formed dreams I had of making a living off creativity in the compost bin where they belong, and let the retail world grind me down into a hopeless, desensitized zombie like the majority of modern Americans. Another part maintains that if I just got off my lazy tail and worked like the proverbial dog (who bears no resemblance to any dog I've ever met, to whom work is as foreign a concept as quantum mechanics), I could indeed thumb my nose at convention and achieve the freedom I've always dreamed about. Both parties have mountains of supporting data, good real-world examples, and slanderous names for their opposition. A third group, somewhat more sensible, says that if I keep my eye on the want ads I'm sure to find something remotely tolerable to help me pay bills and keep the cats from starving whilst I work on my own projects. So far, that's been the one getting my vote of action, but like most third parties the power it holds seems to be dissolving in the face of the increasingly long slog to There from Here. It might help if I had a clearer vision of what There I was aiming for; right now, it's simply a There where I have enough money, time, and energy for things I need and enjoy.

So, what do I want to do? If I could answer that, I wouldn't have wasted my money on Medical Transcription. I wouldn't be 30 and still living at home. I wouldn't be down to almost nothing in savings, wondering if anyone would pay decent money for a box full of My Little Ponies so my cats can get their shots. I wouldn't be having nightmares about being forced back into my old job (stocking shelves) because that's all I was ever going to be halfway competent at and I might as well accept it. But maybe I do know. Since as far back as I can remember, I've been fascinated with fantasy/sci-fi and animation. I always blame my parents; they met through fandom, so I don't think "mundane" ever stood a chance with me. I see the aurora sequence in Brother Bear, Aslan in Narnia, space fights and light sabers in Star Wars... I read about magic and heroes and heroines and worlds above, below, within, and beyond our own... I feel the awe and sense of wonder that's so long been my greatest form of joy, the ultimate high of imagination, and I think, I want to do that to people. I want to be able to write that book, or make that movie, or draw that scene that someone else reacts to like that. I think it was in Orson Scott Card's book on writing SF/F that he mentions the peculiar effect of sci-fi/fantasy on its fans - at some point, they want to start giving back that sense of wonder that they've been given by others . (I'm paraphrasing, naturally, but that's the gist of it. ) I've been told that I'm reasonably good at writing, and I'm better at art than I used to be. Sometimes I look at stuff I wrote years ago, or what I've done with Skyhaven, and I'm amazed at these things I somehow created, amazed that other people seem to be enjoying them. However, I'm not completely clueless. I know I'm not pro quality, and if/when I am, creative fields are terribly competitive, and one of the many things I'm lousy at is competing. Most of them are also expensive as heck to get training for, and tend to require materials and workspaces that just aren't feasable when one is 30 and essentially living off the good graces of one's parents. About the only thing I'm truly equipped (or as equipped as one can be) to do is writing, which doesn't work well when others keep intruding on your thoughts.

So, here I am, stuck in limbo, unable to dream and unable to stop dreaming.

I wonder who's hiring today...