Last night, my sister and I went to the one-night-only special Rifftrax Live presentation of The House on Haunted Hill. (For those unfamiliar with Rifftrax, and too lazy to follow the link, three of the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 have started riffing movies again, sans robot puppets.) It was taped in Nashville and broadcast to select theaters nationwide... and, for once, "select theaters nationwide" included a location that wasn't some weird little place downtown that requires parking across a freeway and walking through unlit back alleys in the dead of night to reach.
We arrived much earlier than planned, since the rush hour we'd anticipated never seemed to happen (and the road construction we were allowing for didn't happen, either.) Being the first in the door, we staked out our favored seats and settled in for the wait. It was stony silent, sitting there all alone, without even ads to keep us company.
"Remember when they used to run music before a show?" my sister asked.
At that exact moment, saxophone-heavy jazz came blasting over the theater speakers. It was as if some strange (and exceedingly bored) wish fairy were hovering overhead.
"Remember when they used to give us 100 dollar bills before a show?" I asked, just in case.
The wish fairy must have left by then, unfortunately.
It was almost ten minutes before anyone else showed up; we were starting to think we'd be all alone. He left after a while to make a call - the jazz music was just above the comfort level and just below the pain threshold - but we toughed it out. We like our favorite seats, thank you very much...
Between the music and the feature presentation, we watched onscreen as they synched up the satellite feed. Some disturbing messages popped up now and again, but it seemed to work. All of the sudden, the blaring jazz was replaced with another song...
Sparkly Vampires (by the Rifftones)
Movie trivia, famous quotes, and Halloween tips flashed onscreen... with a Rifftrax flavor. Long before the actual broadcast started, we and the rest of the growing audience were laughing out loud. Between the on-screen hilarity and the continued Rifftones soundtrack, it was hard to decide whether to focus on my eyes or my ears. Either way, I was highly entertained, and the thing hadn't even officially started yet.
When a Man Loves a Shark (by the Rifftones)
The feature presentation had the unexpected bonuses of a "guest riffer" (a comedian I should probably know, but whose name has slipped my brain at the moment) and two vintage short-subject films (a.k.a "shorts.) The first short, "Magical Disappearing Money," showed a grocery store witch who grows so concerned about 1970's shoppers throwing money away that she forces them all to watch a magic show about smart shopping. The second short, "Paper and I", stars a sick boy hallucinating about a paper bag who talks him through the paper-making process, then makes all paper products in the world vanish to prove how important he is. (Shades of Coily, from the MST3K-riffed short "A Case of Spring Fever", here...) Both were absurd on their own, made all the more fun with the commentary.
The House on Haunted Hill is an old Vincent Price film about an eccentric millionaire (Price) who invites a handful of strangers to a haunted house, along with his gold-digging wife and the traumatized man who owns the place but doesn't live there due to the ghosts and the long history of bloody murders associated with the place. (Great party atmosphere, eh?) Anywho, lots of dialog occurs, half a hundred doors get opened and closed, an old blind lady glides around on invisible skates, a wine cellar pit inexplicably left full of acid gets put to good use, and then it ends with hardly any body count worth speaking of.
And we, along with the rest of the audience, laughed nearly nonstop.
Now, the odd thing is, my sister and I had seen the non-riffed version of House on Haunted Hill before... and for some reason, we remembered a totally different ending. (As we recalled, the whole thing was a set-up - and there hadn't even been any murders in the house, as the freaky owner implied. Maybe we transposed another movie ending...)
Anyway, it was a highly enjoyable experience, much more fun than anticipated, and a great kickoff to the holiday weekend.
Happy Halloween, everyone! (And remember: a sign left next to a bowl of candy saying "Please Take One" really translates to "Free Bowl of Candy.")
(The photo at top would be the phoenix stepping stone I mentioned previously... unfortunately, we didn't realize that, while the yellow, blue, and the copper were inside the glass, the red was evidently painted on.)
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